Spreading coronavirus to influence the markets will now be considered insider trading and subject to up to five years in federal prison, according to reports. The move by lawmakers is expected to quell the ebbs and flows that have been shaking the markets recently, as traders react strongly to new reports of virus surges and vaccine development.

“The main things moving the market right now are the COVID-19 updates, obviously,” a trader from a prominent mid-size asset management firm, AKG Capital, stated. “The virus surges, the markets tank. In order to reverse our losses from our first quarter, some of the people in my team that just were infected tried to spread it as fast as possible in as many hotspots as possible in an effort to try to get a head start on the market movements. And it was working too – we almost regained our losses from February and March. A shame there were new rulings. It’s a shame and an attack on the independence of markets.

“We believe the ruling will be overturned eventually, but in the meantime we’re readjusting our models. If we can’t spread the virus, might as well try to aid the development of the vaccine as quickly as possible. But much harder though. We’ve decided to not wear masks though. Seems to be almost as effective as coughing. Hopefully the feds don’t crack down on that too.”

AKG Capital is also starting a new philanthropy initiative to assist low-income families affected by the waves of unemployment. We asked the trader to comment on these efforts.

“It’s just the right thing to do,” the trader said. “Any small step we can take to help those in need is a worthy investment of our time.”