Lawmakers in Wakeview county have recently adopted a new metric that shows coronavirus has actually been on the decline across America. The new measure of coronavirus takes in account the number of cases in each region, case growth rate, test positivity, coronavirus media numbers, and a number of other statistics that have been kept confidential.

“It’s just in the numbers. It’s obvious. Coronavirus is not a problem at all,” a state legislator said. “You’re going to be misled if you look at raw numbers like case counts or mortality rates – you have to take everything in consideration. Look at Wakeview county, for example. We’ve completely contained the virus. Take a look at our new Positivity Perception Capacity Metric, it gives you all the data you need.

“Obviously, people have started to stop wearing masks and have still been getting sick at the same rates as last week, even as testing numbers have gone up. If you look at how the rate of increase of the reproduction number is decreasing, you’ll see that eventually, if everyone stops social distancing, we’ll reach the herd immunity capacity by the end of the month, all in relation to how much we’ve paid attention to the virus on various media sources. It’s all in the numbers. If we start to enforce more social distancing, it just throws all of our data out of whack, and we’d have to find a new way to convince ourselves that we’re doing the right thing.”

When asked about their previous coronavirus statistic, the Positivity Perception Growth  Metric, that shows coronavirus is getting worse in Wakeview, the lawmaker responded in opposition. “Well, that metric was clearly a mistake. It just wasn’t backed by enough data. Once we had more information, we found that the growth metrics just didn’t fit our narrative, or our mission to help save lives. I’m sure we got it right this time with the Positivity Perception Capacity numbers.”