Month: July 2020

business

Students Running Underground School Candy Business Pressuring Lawmakers to Open Schools, Regain Profits

Students in Underground Candy Shops (SUCH) is one of the many union groups active in response to the new employment environment and social distancing requirements across the country. As schools have closed across all states, members of SUCH have realized plummeting profits as its market base decreases with every shutdown measure. As a result, they have started to put the pressure on local lawmakers to … Continue reading Students Running Underground School Candy Business Pressuring Lawmakers to Open Schools, Regain Profits

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science&tech

New Study Shows that Dads that Control the Thermostat Have Slowed Global Warming by Five Years

To many of us, it’s an annoyance. To others, including the biosphere of the Earth, it’s a savior. Scientists at Wakeview University have recently determined a sizable effect of dads that control the thermostat (DCT) in the United States. Specifically, the research team used energy data from 2010 to 2015 and evaluations with a randomly sampled pool of 600 dads across the country to quantify … Continue reading New Study Shows that Dads that Control the Thermostat Have Slowed Global Warming by Five Years

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politics

US Congress to Stop Writing Bills Once All of the Good Acronyms are Used

Massive spending has recently held up the economy packages issued by Congress recently have been holding up the US economy for a few months, and markets have been encouraged by this expressed support by the Fed and lawmakers in DC. However, this may not soon be the case. According to reports, prominent lawmakers have been hesitant to issue new relief bills as they find themselves … Continue reading US Congress to Stop Writing Bills Once All of the Good Acronyms are Used

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politics

Area Politicians Derive New Advanced Statistic to Show that Coronavirus is Actually Waning, Reject Their Previous One

Lawmakers in Wakeview county have recently adopted a new metric that shows coronavirus has actually been on the decline across America. The new measure of coronavirus takes in account the number of cases in each region, case growth rate, test positivity, coronavirus media numbers, and a number of other statistics that have been kept confidential. “It’s just in the numbers. It’s obvious. Coronavirus is not … Continue reading Area Politicians Derive New Advanced Statistic to Show that Coronavirus is Actually Waning, Reject Their Previous One

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science&tech

New Machine Learning Algorithm Talks Educational Burnout, “I’m Going to Make Time for Myself”

The Artificial Intelligence revolution seems to not only be requiring new workers to hit the books, but its bots as well. Countless numbers of workers and functions in the economy depend on machine learning algorithms to learn from swaths of data every second. We talked to an AI program about this Herculean task and how it manages its work-life balance. “Honestly, it’s pretty taxing,” the … Continue reading New Machine Learning Algorithm Talks Educational Burnout, “I’m Going to Make Time for Myself”

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more

Top Universities, in Race to Boast the Lowest Admission Rate, Start Kicking People Out in Order to Achieve Negative Acceptance Rates

“Look. If we’re higher on the USNews Rankings then we get more alumni donations, simple as that. And I mean, who doesn’t want the clout of being the hardest school to get into. That’s why we started our new policy – we were heading in this direction anyways and it was just inevitable. We’re just the ones who started it.” We spoke to the head … Continue reading Top Universities, in Race to Boast the Lowest Admission Rate, Start Kicking People Out in Order to Achieve Negative Acceptance Rates

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science&tech

Econ 102 Student in Contention for Nobel Prize After Commenting “Correlation Doesn’t Necessarily Imply Causation”

Professor Nielsen could not have been more surprised from her class discussion last week. Little did she know that a potential Nobel Laureate was in her vicinity. “It was just awe-inspiring. I was teaching my class about the relationship between oil prices and the macroeconomic health and all of a sudden, he just blurted it out. And it all made sense. I knew I had … Continue reading Econ 102 Student in Contention for Nobel Prize After Commenting “Correlation Doesn’t Necessarily Imply Causation”

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politics

Federal Commission Rules That Coughing on People to Spread Coronavirus is Insider Trading

Spreading coronavirus to influence the markets will now be considered insider trading and subject to up to five years in federal prison, according to reports. The move by lawmakers is expected to quell the ebbs and flows that have been shaking the markets recently, as traders react strongly to new reports of virus surges and vaccine development. “The main things moving the market right now … Continue reading Federal Commission Rules That Coughing on People to Spread Coronavirus is Insider Trading

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business

Hamburger and Hamburger Bun Vendors Agree on More Inconvenient Package Count, Boost Sales

Rocked by the economic slump over the past couple months, prominent hamburger and hamburger bun producers have finalized a deal to make a more inconsistent package count for two reason: to reverse their declining sales and to decrease its consumers’ morale. Previously, packages of burgers and buns were commonly sold in groups of eight and twelve, forcing consumers to either buy extra packages to have … Continue reading Hamburger and Hamburger Bun Vendors Agree on More Inconvenient Package Count, Boost Sales

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politics

Tooth Fairy to Increase Payouts as Part of Next Wave of Congressional Relief Programs

Congress is preparing another wave of relief programs for households to weather more months of potentially stagnant economic landscape, reports indicate. After the Paycheck Protection Program was deployed through the CARES Act and extended on June 5, lawmakers and economists have begun drafting another round of stimulus to directly relieve households most in need. “We have been working with the Department of Health and Human … Continue reading Tooth Fairy to Increase Payouts as Part of Next Wave of Congressional Relief Programs

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